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The sun
Any moon

The light
Must join
The view

Of every last
Forgotten question

The soul
The only

Wednesday, February 7, 2018 - 04:19

Can I talk about how important it is to keep going—when I myself just realized recently—that I am where I am in life—and experience—and feeling—and self-sabotage—is because I don’t believe I am worth saving? Can I—without hypocrisy—tell you that you must continue to try—to defy the odds—to try to succeed within your dream—and your mind—and most difficultly—to defy every time you’ve been told that you are worthless, told that you are nothing—and treated by others as though you are nothing—or treated by yourself…as though you are nothing.
I implore you—to continue.
Will you continue?
Even though you’ve worn shame as a second skin—and no one has ever known you—or seen you—and you believe—that no one will ever see you—or know you. And it might be true… maybe no one—will ever know you—and maybe no one—will ever—see you.
I implore you—to continue.
I implore you to believe that you are more than you are… and then you will become—more than you are. I implore you—to continue.
And can I tell you that it might not matter that the first experiences you had in life—might have been violent—or ugly—or unspeakable—and you can ignore all that. You can ignore yourself—when you believe that you are not worth saving—you can believe that you are more than you are—and then you will become—more than you are.
Can I tell you to do these things to save yourself—when I’ve had moments—hours—days—and longer—when I’ve more than wanted to not be—anymore?
Still, I continue.
Knowing that no words that I say are going to be good enough—or go low—enough—or far enough—to reach the unreachable—to reach—those of you who have been called stupid—or nothing—or worthless—just like I was—and you weren’t protected—or you were blamed for making it happen—and I know—whatever I say—will be shallow… or unheard.
And I admit I’m saying all of this to myself—the self that needs to hear these words. Because they were never said to me… they were never shown to me.
But I continue. I continue to scream—in a vacuum—I continue—to crawl over a floor within a room—that’s at the other side of the world—whispering.. I’m here. And it does matter that this happened to me—and it does matter that it happened to you—and it does—change—everything. And when you go through things like this it changes you. Maybe—you would have been better. Maybe—you would have been nicer. Maybe—you would have been less—distant—without it happening.
But I’m telling you—anything you went through—anything—any trial—any painful thing—anything you cannot even speak of…it’s so painful—it cannot alter the best part of you: the power and beauty within your soul. I implore you—to continue.
And I’m telling you—any awful—unspeakable—violent thing you are fearing now will break you—or unhinge you—or silence you—I’m telling you now—what doesn’t kill us—does not make us stronger—it merely shows us what we could have done all along without being backed into a corner. Get out of that corner! Get out of that corner now—and continue!
I implore you on the days when you don’t want anything—anymore—to Save yourself—to fight for yourself—even when you believe there is no self to fight for.. or self—worth—fighting—for.
I implore you—to believe that you are more than you are—and you will become—more than you are.
So we continue—together. We say these words together—and hear these words—together. Forever.

Wednesday, January 17, 2018 - 03:44

I will be uploading an image of two paintings I created concurrently, one in the state of desperation to express everything I feel, and the second painting-everything I fear is not to be heard or felt or experienced. One painting-colorful and intense and dramatic-the second painting-the weight of wanting-the peace of knowing no thoughts at all. Will express more about them later.. it is difficult within a vacuum.. the challenge is continuuing.. just always-always continuuing. Ignoring yourself when you doubt, ignoring yourself when you try to give up. Continuuing...

Thursday, January 11, 2018 - 04:42

I have had an epiphany: I am actually insane. Knowing that, I am functioning quite well-actually..

Thursday, December 28, 2017 - 01:46

It has happened. I am.officially unstable..I am almost crying to a Billy Idol song. Wtf?His lyrics sound like Shakespeare now.What's next? Reminiscing about Barney or Lambchop songs? Help me, Byork. Help me,before Blues Clues kicks me over.Save me, Mr.Rogers...

Thursday, December 28, 2017 - 01:38

I used to hit myself in the head when I became upset...unhinged...unable to see a way out of my mind-my trouble-my life. I would of course see yellow points of light and reddish hues in the area of my head I was hitting-and often I would get progressively more and more upset until the pounding in my head would not leave-even when the pounding of my head stopped. I just wanted every thought to go away, every remnant of me-to dissolve or vanish or be erased. It never worked of course, not that way-at least. Instead, I have discovered that by progressively failing-by progressively failing to attempt to reach a level I believe... I am discovering that I am becoming less inside.Not because of the failure to reach...but because I am beginning to see that my self perception was wrong to begin with..I was not to be anything more than any other person..trying to be more-and not succeeding. This is probably what everyone experiences but for me it-well- the rest I will leave unsaid. In short I have been wrong about everything.

Thursday, December 28, 2017 - 00:31

Sometimes it doesn't seem as though there is any reason to live-but you must stall any actions to change living; do everything in your power to continue living..because-quite frankly-you may be wrong about your shame of self-you may be wrong about believing you are worthless-you may be wrong about believing you should die. So you tell yourself you will raincheck(delay)any impulsive actions that may lead to your death. Never underetimate the power of hesitation when it comes to putting off self destruction. You simply do not know how things will be a week from now-even if you think one day is like any other-and so a week from now will not make any difference. The difference is you can carry the powet to avoid self destruction. The difference is you do not have to believe yourself when you think you are stupid, or worthless, or deserved every ugly thing that has happened to you. Shame of being is overwhelming, it drowns out logic or reason-it appears when you are on the alone walk of wondering if that all life is-is that all that life will ever be-and will your mind always rally against you-will it always remind you that you have been at the bottom wondering why no one truly hears the shame as deafening , no one else deserves the ugliness as much as you did, the wise, knowing parents knew you down to the core-and saw you were not okay. You were not what they wanted. Ypu wete not along their walk or their minds, or their love and protection. This is the aloneness that the abused wear. This is the struggle that spells and crowds long and slow paths to the prayer that suicide offers; at last a last-word-and that last word... See? I was right. It hurts to carry your own mind when it pulls and pushes and argues against you and sides with the ones who abused you. To anyone now who is contemplating suicide I say delay. Delay. It will be difficult. It will be an alone walk. It will also be honest and yours alone to acknowledge--you at last deserve a break and time to see yourself without rancor.

Saturday, December 16, 2017 - 21:38

I believe my painting is a gift from a greater realm....a higher plane. I believe through my painting I am expressing that higher plane--and I am so fortunate to be a conduit of that beauty and peace. My paintings are often hypnotic.. ten minutes can go by looking at them--and I am unaware that time is passing. Others tell me they can stare and stare at the paintings--I do not know how I am doing it--creating such wonder--only that this gift has been given to me--and I am grateful.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017 - 04:04

Now that the new day has come, it is time to open all up again, to all new--a hearty welcome. Have things to do. I want to design an artwork with base to hold the painting-similar to what a huge globe is set in-so that the artwork can be rolled into any room. The painting will be created specifically as a therapeutic window.. To to stimulate peace..I believe this art can be placed in therapeutic settings-and the home..and the viewer will experience the tranquilty of just looking atbthe painting.

Thursday, August 17, 2017 - 18:54

Funny thing, I thought I was someone else. And this other I was, well-he would win the cause, and be in the BBA finals-but not.. Not much else to say. I am very disappointed and shocked, so shocked that Path of The Leader.. Reaching for the Divine... didn't even earn a place. .my mission.. story.. not compelling enough to place. .shocked. Painting going well, I don't exactly know where the beautiful images come from.. always there. But shocking, so unreal to me that my art work is very unknown..and looks like will remain that way for now. This hurts.

Thursday, August 17, 2017 - 06:02

For every
For every
For every
Broken bone
For every
For every
Ugly word
For every
Time I was told I would fail
For every
Time I told myself I would fail
For every

Tuesday, June 27, 2017 - 00:58

A thought came to me suddenly; low points really suck. Not only are they unbearable(well, not entirely, of course, unless you drop dead), but generally... Low points aren't discussed much. This means that not only are a ton of people now experiencing some level of 'low point', but-also not telling anyone- if they are. There is nothing quite like going through an agony-quietly. This is why I often whine-publically. Well, sort of, and I say...either you have a whiny attitude-or you are working on improving it; either way, not many want to hear it-they have plenty to whine about themselves. Their health? Terrible. MENTAL health? Don't even go there. I will say to those who go public about their mental problems-I applaud you. I myself, well, it's obvious enough-isn't it? To those who are now having a terrible time, whose entire life has been a trial of pains, and humiliations, and being mistaken for being mentally stable; I applaud you as well. There is nothing quite like talking to yourself- and being interupted by laughter-laughter at how low a point in life can go-how you never saw it coming-not even as it stood in front of you and shook your hand. Now, looking back, you think how could you have gotten' yourself here-pants with holes in them and paint marks on your elbows and chin and people saying 'just wait until retirement, you can live then.' All you can do is laugh. I dare you. Find a way. Or-you know-go through your low point alone, don't tell anybody, then-you know- (read: title of this blog)

Monday, June 26, 2017 - 00:38

Ironically, the people who have told me that they have tried to access this website, will most likely not see this thank you for their continued efforts and intetest in my work.. but thank you from the bottom of my heart. It matters to be acknowledged, it matters a great deal, and I believe it could change the world if it was commonplace. If everyone were acknowledged for their unique being. .and presence in life. Thank you, thank you again, and know I will respond when hear from you.

Thursday, June 22, 2017 - 21:45

Sometimes, the only thing good about a situation-is overcoming it and then ...being able to know you did-and saying it. Some situations are just... Bad- and that is all they are. I write these words now.. to the ones who dream that life will someday be happier; you have a greaterness within you that is meant to rise above the challenging now. You have a greatness within you that is meant to speak of how you sat up, then stood, when no one believed you had the means or right. You have a greatness within you, that pulls your feet forward and quickens your heartbeat, when it sees that something must be done, and you have the power to do it- even as others look away from you, as though your presence doesn't matter. You have a dream that you carry, knowing it was meant for you-and you alone to reach. I appeal to you now to listen to yourself as the north star of your mind, to hold your own impulses near, and strong and authentic. Knowing you are meant to overcome any obstacles that befall you; and how sweet the poetry of overcoming a challenge you truly doubted you would... Is. How truly beautiful it is to stand within our own mind and footstep, speaking our own unique thought and trajectory. You can do it. You were made to overcome... And in all.. become. You have a power that you feel inside you, if you have imagined it- believe it- you were meant to reach it. And what a great thing it'll be to speak of when you doubted, when you truly believed yourself a nothing; and how sweet reaching past what stopped you before, is.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017 - 06:25

First of all, I want to thank you for reading this, and looking up my art work.; that you found the website is wonderful, as there have been issues with the website-; the link is unusable, has not been able to be shared, the contact form has not been working (to send a message, or-for me to receive it),so I apologize again, if you have tried to contact me and have not succeeded. i assure you, if I hear from you, I will respond. To be acknowledged is such a beautiful thing, it is life-affirming. again, I have also been told from people that I see in person, that there is difficulty in finding the website. This is why I am very happy if you are reading this message now! The website issues will hopefully be fixed soon! Thank you for your patience, and if you know anyone who has has trouble finding website, etc., please tell them about the website issues that will be addressed. I I look forward to hearing from you.. have a perfect.... Everything.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017 - 23:15

Why have I not received any feedback regarding the words I have posted, that expose my greatest fear; being a victim of abuse- and then - after stating that, being unacknowledged-ignored? I know I am not alone in this, I know there are many out there now- feeling beaten- depleted- and why haven't I heard from anyone about my paintings that draw my soul- and I believe show that there is beauty in life, there is an opening we all have, a gate and doorway to a greater expression of self, even as we may feel less within? If there is anyone out there, please say hello in the hope that the soul soars; it defies. And if anyone has tried to contact me, I apologize for not getting back because I simply... Haven' t received your comments or feedback.

Monday, June 19, 2017 - 22:32

Why have I not received any feedback regarding the words I have posted, that expose my greatest fear; being a victim of abuse- and then - after stating that, being unacknowledged-ignored? I know I am not alone in this, I know there are many out there now- feeling beaten- depleted- and why haven't I heard from anyone about my paintings that draw my soul- and I believe show that there is beauty in life, there is an opening we all have, a gate and doorway to a greater expression of self, even as we may feel less within? If there is anyone out there, please say hello in the hope that the soul soars; it defies. And if anyone has tried to contact me, I apologize for not getting back because I simply... Haven' t received your comments or feedback.

Monday, June 19, 2017 - 22:28

Path of A Leader won fiirst prize when exhibitrd at Helzer Gallery'; as part of 40th Birthday Bash.

Sunday, June 18, 2017 - 00:17

I wouldn't bring the darkness you carry, closer to your eyes.
I wouldn't tug at your fingers--to change your grasp.
You--as you are now--
is all I know--
and all that ever...

Back when I first started painting, I read that no matter what an artist creates--the true self is revealed. This thought... horrified me. Absolutely, and completely--horrified me-
Would my painting show how many times I'd been called stupid?
Would my paintings show how much one word in my defense, would have changed EVERYTHING.
Would my paintings show how much I really wanted, to be wanted.

So for the first month I painted, I painted what I thought others would paint.
That way no one would see anything.
I tried painting a bowl--that looked like a bowl, a tree that looked like a tree--and if I was really lucky... a person that looked like a person. I was SO PROUD when I painted discernible things/objects/settings, but the one thing these paintings had in common: they had absolutely... NO LIFE IN THEM. Nada. Zip--no life--energy at all emanated from them, and it was because, quite simply, I WASN'T IN THEM. When people saw those paintings--they knew they weren't up to par, because people know inauthenticity when they see it. I knew they weren't good; I knew they were safe--sterile--boring.
Exactly the opposite of me.

To be continued

Friday, May 12, 2017 - 21:52